little lentils

2012 resolutions

2012-02-05T13:43:00.000-05:00

I've been wholly avoiding looking over my 2011 resolution list. This year has felt like a write off. Exhaustion, dysfunction, and confusion taking over. There have been weeks where I felt like folding laundry, or showering were tasks I could not accomplish, let alone actual life goals. But of course I have one of the best excuses of all, I'm pregnant, and I can check that very one (great, simple, special, amazing) goal off my list. 1 of 12.... not too bad. :)

To my surprise, though, there were things I had written that I didn't even remember, progress achieved! Here was the 2011 list:
1. Make strides in learning to live our lives more and more free of plastic. Especially the disposable kind. FAIL! Such a bad fail. Avoiding plastic takes an incredible amount of time, and special trips here and there, even if only shopping for groceries. And the first hurdle of this pregnancy was most definitely forgiving myself the guilt of not being able to DoItAll. So, yes, a fail.
2. Start running, and keep it up. Obviously not.
3. Confidently make all our bread (and crackers, and cereal, and...) Nope.
4. Write more songs on guitar WIN! The flip side to much of my laziness has been a lot of focus on more leisurely endeavours.
5. Find time for sewing regularly Fail. Much of this year I couldn't even GET to my machines, I didn't even live with them for 2 months! Oh how lonely they must have felt. I did, however, gain an appreciation for hand sewing, which I used to dread. So there's a very big positive to all our separation.
6. Garden successfully, ie. don't kill all my seedlings FAIL, let's not even go here.
7. Get back on my bike. Reestablish my old feeling that cars are almost useless in the city. Not really, although the first half of the year Olive and I rode around a lot. AND we did get rid of the car. I think this is a half point. ;)
8. Spend more time outside (made easy by numbers 2,6, and 7) I barely leave my house.
9. Pay off my student debt CHECK. This one feels better than sex, or chocolate, or most things. I think debt is evil. EVIL Evil evil....
10. Learn to silkscreen Check!
11. Learn to make food preserves Failsies
12. Get pregnant! A win that I get 3 points for!

2012:
1. Focus on mothering two young persons. Accept it. Enjoy it. Know that it is fleeting. Eye-blink-fleeting.
2. Watch all Paul Dano movies, watch all Ryan Gosling movies, watch all Keanu movies (I have failed this before)
3. Reading
4. Drawing, artsing
5. Send more letters
6. Food making (preserves, snacks, suppers)
7. Yoga, swimming, biking...

I cannot be more specific. I have only floating ambitions to drift towards this year.

Hallowe'en

2011-11-01T15:22:00.000-04:00

Olive the lion, Greg as himself.

at mum's

2011-10-17T14:21:00.000-04:00

Its very difficult to blog (because blogging is such a public thing) when you're feeling down. I dont want to put negative things out there, and even to myself my feelings feel like whinings sometimes. My view is skewed by confusion and difficult to be confidant of.
At the same time I feel guilty pretending that only positive experiences deserve mention or remembering, because clearly that's not life at all.
The gist of it is Greg and I aren't living together at the moment. Originally it felt like a good idea, that we needed a little more space than our own home could provide, but as the weeks have stretched on I am wondering if thinking space has become avoiding space, and worrying about the consequences of too much space.
Needless to say its been driving me crazy as a pregnant being. Nesting urges unfulfilled. I actually have no idea where I will birth our baby if this drives on for too long. I do not have a home for my planned homebirth. Nowhere to babymoon.

Lately:

2011-10-08T12:28:00.001-04:00

We've been living apart.
She's falling asleep on her own. Tucked in, books read, talking to herself.
Pregnant, pregnant, tired, tired.
Computerless.
Still nursing.

I've been looking forward to snow and the mittens that accompany it.

playing drums

Diaper hat.

Blue hair.

Lion girl.

Biking attires.

Girl + Daddy.

summer pictures, Owen Sound

2011-08-26T11:55:00.000-04:00

Baby Hearts

2011-08-26T01:04:00.002-04:00

At an appointment with my doctor this Tuesday it took over half an hour to find the baby's heartbeat with a Doppler. Instead of really worrying me, I felt like rolling my eyes at the whole situation.

A month ago when I went we tried with the Doppler, and my doctor said 'Dont worry if we cant hear it, its normal that it wont be easy to find before 12 weeks' and when we couldn't find it there was no fuss. But THIS time, just 4 weeks later, she was having trouble locating it, and reassured me 'dont worry its normal for it to be hard to find at 16 weeks'. After a couple of minutes I said 'oh well do we have to hear it this time?' and she said 'Oh yes, we HAVE to know the baby's heart is beating, otherwise I'll need to send you in for an ultrasound tomorrow'.

It really bothered me. They push into your belly pretty hard with the Doppler, its no massage, and because it was hard to locate she also had to use her fingers (internally) to push my uterus foreward. I dont like being touched these days, I dont even like shaking peoples hands. Finally another doctor came, and the little thump thump thump was found.

I dont really get why they MUST look for the heartbeat at any stage where its still hard to find. Yes, I want my baby to be alive, and its nice to hear, but if it wasn't beating there's is nothing that could be done, so why set us all up for worry?
I knew my baby was alive, I didn't need them to prove it to me.

Funny things that Olive does

2011-08-23T13:52:00.000-04:00

The sign we use for the word Juice is the alphabetic sign for the letter 'J', done by sticking out your pinky and hooking it round. In toddler this translates to waving both hands around willy-nilly, and sometimes includes the elbows. We get the idea though. However its a ridiculous sign for a toddler, because when demonstrating to me that she HAS juice its just a half-full cup of OJ flying about. Oh well.

Another symptom I've been having while pregnant is that my mouth tastes like the inside of a battery, or at least I imagine so. So, I spit a lot. Of course that means Olive's been 'spitting' too, no saliva just pursing her lips making a 'pppt' sound. She also pretends to pick her nose by putting her finger beside her nose and twisting it around. Funny girl.

Olive's pregnant mama

2011-08-22T13:42:00.000-04:00

Although I am positive that she doesn't have any idea there is a bean in my belly, I know this because when I lift my shirt saying "Olive, mummy's got a baby in here" she pokes my button and says "doooooooooooo", she's definitely reacting to the change in mood and surrounding.
There is an iron tight grasp on me at all times. "mummIE!, mummIE!". If I'm in sight, its mummy she wants. I've turned inwards a great deal, trying to cope with the Overwhelm of late. In Mum + Baby yoga classes, when they are fresh and new, our instructor Michelle warned that as your little one lays in front of you content and the class begins, almost instantly when you close your eyes, breathe, and draw inwards, Baby will notice, and cry for you to come back. It always happened, 6 infants crying on their yoga mats, mums learning to juggle inner peace and belly rubbing. Olive's feeling the same, but more vocal. I dont mind, but appreciate the help I get from others. Pretend naps, where I lay down for an hour and swirl my thoughts.
I can only do one thing at a time. Which sounds silly to me to say because everyone is only ever doing one thing at a time, but I REALLY mean it. I can do one thing in a moment. My brain is SO SLOW. I have to warm up the engine every time I wanna switch thoughts. Mothering is a lot of multitasking, which has become impossible for me. I cannot keep an eye on Olive playing while sorting laundry. Its one or the other. I am writing this solely because Olive is napping.

Along the same lines; we have been doing a lot of nursing. There was a time a couple of months ago where Olive's need for milk seemed to be dwindling. Always at naps and bedtime, but throughout the day most of her nursing would consist of sitting on my lap for 10 seconds, just to check in, and then heading out to play again. These days she sits on my lap and nurses and nurses and nurses. I'll ask "can I have it back now?" and get a quick shake of the head "uh uh". I know from doing it for 20 months that nursing is like the oceans wave, coming and going, she'll take it when she needs it, but I am wondering now if she's having a growth-spurt, or is hungry because I myself dont eat as often (and am thus not sharing), or if she senses her time for mama-cuddles and milk is now, and soon she will have to share? I really dont know the answer. Maybe its all 3!

Pregnant

2011-08-21T00:23:00.000-04:00

Well I've been pregnant for a little over 3 months now. I'm reluctant to say that it been awful, because pregnant is what I want to be, but awful is the word, unless you'd like to use dreadful, or horrible, or the quick downward spiral of all order in my life.
The symptoms hit around 6 weeks and have included constant nausea intensified by a lack of appetite, bouts of insomnia, lack of energy, the need for constant napping, a strong sense of smell hilariously coupled with my own new strange body odor (kind of like onions), confusion, lack of concentration, and other utter craziness.
I really feel as though I am unraveling.
I dont think its unusual, but left all willy-nilly I'm a pretty anxious person. An aspect of my personality that I have learned to cope with well and even overcome by taking care of myself (duh?). That means sleeping well, getting dressed everyday (even if I'm not going out), eating properly, GETTING EXERCISE, and maintaining a routine (with naps and showers and cleaning my house, paying our bills and well pretty much everything a person does on a regular basis). Like I said, its pretty fucking obvious that some order keeps my anxiety at bay, but order not coming all so naturally to me coupled with extreme pregnant lethargy has sent my world a-twisting down the ol' drain.
I dont eat (in my own house), I dont clean, we have no discernible naptime, although I sleep often, and definitely when Olive is sleeping, no bedtime for Olive, which means no alone time for me, I get tired walking to the store, I cannot maintain conversations well, so I avoid a lot of contact with anyone who isn't my mum or my sisters (who dont care if I bable on incoherently). Basically, 4 paragraphs into this, I feel CRAZY. Or I am CRAZY.
oh, and I complain a lot, another reason I avoid people so they dont have to listen to me.
My only refuge is reading, which I do as much as possible. Glorious, wonderful books. Friends I call them.

pictures

2011-06-25T21:38:00.001-04:00

Alright, alright, alright, an update, some pictures.....

new things

2011-05-30T14:26:00.000-04:00

I feel like I will look back at this time of my life as when I truly felt changed, in a good way!

I dont think anyone would say that I have ever seem lost, or that I dont know who I am. I breathe who I am, speak who I am, live it, act it out, sometimes annoyingly so. I have a very hard time covering up me. But of course I was once a teenager, of course I hit my twenties, of course I have been confused, explored, and acted in ways that were not me, and found out why.

Lately, I have been trying new things left and right. It feels good, it feels comfortable. I feel okay when I try something and its not for me. I dont ever feel like I'm faking it. Cooking, therapy, gymnastics, raising a puppy, gardening, learning to be organized, growing my hair out long, I'm up for new things.

About my hair, I was saying to Amy, that for a long time I felt that I was a ShortHairPerson. I thought it helped identify me as unlike other girls. Which was for some reason important. I am different, but my hair isn't the reason. And funny enough I love having long hair. It feels like me, right now :).

Although I have always been unable to hide who I am, now I guess I am proud of it. Knowing who I am, I know that I cannot lose it, and am free to be anything.

some obvious things

2011-05-29T11:31:00.002-04:00

On a daily basis I get very tired of a couple of problems. Societal problems.
Slut shaming, or any women hating box ANY girl gets suppressed into. This isn't even about women. I am very tired of any sexual suppression. Sex and sexuality is an integral part of who we are as humans and animals.
I couldn't care less about anyone who is offended by swearing (I mean seriously!), putting weight in curse words is making something out of nothing, just to be offended.
I can't believe there are people who openly hate gays, and aren't embarrassed. I mean I really can't believe these people still exist.
I get pissed off at people who seem to not just disregard, but outright hate nature, and environmental concern. The other day on the CBC radio there was an interview with some folks who drive over the border to smuggle in illegal pesticides for their LAWN. I'm not kidding. Fucking losers. Its just sad. And I'm tired of these things as ISSUES.
rant end.

*I didn't realise I already had a Rant tag for my posts. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. That's a WIN*

once unorganized: lists for the reformed list maker

2011-05-28T23:24:00.000-04:00

I used to make lists for everything. Compulsively. It was one of the only ways I could get things done, and feel accomplished. As well as a crippling crutch fueling anxiety, because I couldn't do anything without them. Lists are a personal way I have learned to cope with ADD and Anxiety, but they only keep me from learning to think calmly, in a focused manner, by allowing me to hyperfocus on this one thing. I now try to avoid the habit, but not lists all together, because they can be a helpful tool, and more importantly because the point is balance not neurotic avoidance.
As I realised I had a hindering addiction, the questions then became for me How do I go about my day productively without them? and How do I remain focused, through my jumping thoughts?. I cannot explain the struggle this has been for me, especially in the Home environment where I can seemingly have no end goal, and no one to tell me what to do. There are no daily tracks to follow. I have to make my own. I'm confident that I am succeeding, and here's my list of the answers to those questions:

1.To begin with I keep a calender, which to those calender-keepers may seem obvious, but before I did this, it never occured to me how much I was keeping up there in my head for my thoughts to jumble through. Something I have learned from one of my therapists (our couples therapy) is that if you dont set aside time for things, you will spend more time stressing over finding time for them, than actually doing them.

2. I am aware of what any day should look like. I know I have to make time to walk the dog, eat and get dressed, tidy up, there should be time for play, and time for chores. I let the day be divided in half by our late morning nap, where, depending on how I feel that day, I either sleep with Olive, or I allow myself much cherished personal time. I never do anything I would describe as work while Olive naps. Afterward we go out. Be it a trip to Nana's, a walk, or an appointment. I try to schedule things for the afternoon as opposed to the morning, to help maintain that daily flow. I know if I dont make it home by 5 or 5 30 to make supper, it will not get made. After Olive goes to bed for the night, I try to relax again, to allow my brain a switch from daytime Work-home to nighttime Home-home. Which I think is key for anyone who 'works' in their house, and helps with my sleep troubles.
I think of it all as a daily blueprint, its flexible and always a little different, but the same things get done, and the effect it has on me is unlike any point form list because I do not feel chained to it.

3.In terms of chores, just like my day, I also have a blueprint for the household tasks that keep us moving. I have to know what has to be done on what kind of regular basis so that I dont run into some kind of pile-up. I have 3 things I try and hope to do everyday; some dishes, some laundry, and sweeping (oh how I ever have to sweep!). They will pile-up if I dont, and they sometimes still pile-up when I do. I know I should try and give the bathroom a clean once a week, and the same goes for mopping. There's also regular baking, which I hesitate in calling a chore, and many other home things like budgeting, gardening, and purging. I've found the important part is that I know how often I need to do things. This tecnique I actually learned from Martha, in the Homekeeping Handbook, where she meticulously lists and divides household tasks into seasonly, monthly, weekly, and daily chores. Of course, I am no Martha.

4. Lastly, I am forgiving when I miss, and forget, and get lazy. Always trying to look ahead not backwards. Nothing about this works perfectly, but I can move freely through the idea of it.

Funny enough I do still make many lists. Mostly when I am suddenly overwhelmed, or on days when I have many errands, and I feel comfortable with those list. They make sense. There was a time where my lists contained things like eat lunch or shower, things I shouldn't need a list to tell me to do. Now I've got my mental blueprints. ; )

a new one of us

2011-05-25T16:09:00.000-04:00

Over the weekend we were blessed to meet this girl (several times) looking for a home.
She was seen wandering the canal for 3 days before being taken in by our new friends Jonathan and his Great Dane Mustang. We've named her Kolya.

dress ups

2011-05-20T14:27:00.000-04:00

When Olive sees clothes she wants to put them on. She wants me to put them on her. This can be dangerous when the drawers are open and full. When she wakes up in the morning, we find her shoes, and put them on, and then maybe she finds her sandals and tries to put those on too. She wants her coats on, she wants her hats on, she wants sweaters after sweater after dress, on, so then we can go outside. Playing dress-up, playing dress-up-an-go.

pictures in spring

2011-05-14T12:44:00.001-04:00

We've been busy in the garden, accompanied by spring. I have a dirt loving child. A worm fearing child. A plant-un-planting child. We've been having lots of fun.
The days pass quickly, and I fall asleep at night, tired.Its wonderful.

I have a walk-walking child:

anxiety out and about

2011-05-09T21:03:00.000-04:00

An experience I have been dreading internally manifested itself today. Olive and I went out for a walk down Notre-Dame, stopping in all our usual places, one of which included a local cafe. I'm always sensitive to our surroundings in there. The 'grown up' people having grown up conversations, sophisticates drinking sophisticated coffee, and mostly the busy/stressed/single-minded students, tapping busily, stressfully, single-mindedly at their computers, by themselves, quietly. But I go here frequently, taking refuge from the quiet of my home, and I'm comfortable. So is Olive. The staff even smile when we come in the door.
Today however, I sat down, with my Gibraltar, Olive tapped on things, playing, talking, making noise, and the women sitting next to us loudly hummed and hawwed the.whole.time.
My body immediately soured with anxiety. I've been waiting for this moment, thinking what I would say to someone if they had a problem with Olive. A problem with how I parent Olive (pretty darn freely). A problem with children, and the way they behave naturally. I've been preparing for confrontation.

The woman was clearly a student, or a TA maybe, grading papers, she had a law reference book on hand. She look stressed. And I felt bad, I even tried to accommodate her a little, taking a grate Olive was repeatedly dropping on the floor from her. But I didn't feel bad for our noise or our presence, I felt bad that this person was overwhelmed, and I felt bad that I wanted to punch her in the face. I've been imagining that when this happened I would say to the person "You know she is a child, they make noise, and we're in a public place, if you wanted quiet you should go home. Where I am assuming you don't have children.", or maybe more simply "You know, this isn't a library." I've even thought of explaining to the person that while they probably leave there house to study, escape distraction, and the all too quiet-ness of it. I leave my house, because I otherwise wouldn't see another person besides my daughter, or my boyfriend in the day, I leave to escape the loneliness. In the end, I quietly finished up my coffee, let Olive walk around making her child-like noise, let the women hum and haww, and then left. But not before saying "I am sorry that we were bothering you". Because I was. Then I cried for a block as we continued on our way.

I am happy with how I dealt with the scenario once it actualized itself. I have a couple of thoughts though:
The first is the obvious; that I think its incredibly unfair to be in a world where children are not welcomed. Where they are misunderstood, and their parents feel continuously judged, whether they conform to current parenting ideals or not. I thinks its ridiculous to be surrounded by adults, who feel their needs are priority, and others are to oblige. Which I interpret as a very unadult-like behaviour.
I think that children are children, and should be allowed that for the very short time that they are indeed children. Even in public. And I saying this while knowing that Olive is a very pleasant child, always with a smile, constantly remarked as "Sooooo quiet!", and that I could feel a lot more Judgement as a parent if I had a kid who was even more kid-like.
I think in this situation. I am finally pleased with myself because I didn't let the woman's rudeness go unnoticed, Although my apology was a bit on the passive-aggressive side, it let her know that I was aware of how she felt, and that I felt we had a right to be there, making noise, while at the same time I was sincerely sorry that we were bothering her. I'm glad I didn't say all the things that I thought of because it would have incited confrontation, and I didn't want to fight with anyone, I just want to be allowed to exist in public with my child.

My last thought on this is that later I wondered why I did get so anxious. In the past confrontation wasn't difficult for me, perhaps because I was always feeling anxious, and anxiety and confrontation go hand in hand. Here it was like it swept my body, filled my pores, like the high you'll get after smoking a cigarette if you've quit for a while. That sickening high. I guess its a sort of proof that I've mellowed out a bit. True anxiety makes me sick. And I could allow myself to become reacquainted with it, smoke some of that familiar vice called confrontation, but I would rather not. I'd rather acknowledge my feelings, feel confident in my place and my choices, acknowledge her feelings as an overwhelmed, busy, stressed, student, and accept that as a valid place as well.

recent pictures

2011-04-14T15:07:00.000-04:00

car-free, lots of biking together

new rocking chair

ew?

Greg's new bag, big enough for me to sit in.

Progressive Education

2011-04-09T20:34:00.000-04:00

READ THIS post from Teacher Tom about commanding vs.giving information in teaching.

Amy's Monthly Montreal Freecycle

2011-04-07T18:30:00.000-04:00

Rules - must be stuff you already have. Don't buy stuff for us. Preferably free but if somebody wants a few bucks for something we're looking for that's cool. If you want to give us a few bucks for something that's cool too. Local only. Please feel free to join in and post on your own blog.

We're looking for:
- cookie baking sheets
- cork memo board
- filing cabinet
- small round kitchen table
- working fridge and stove (both of our work shoddy, only 1 element, and things freezing in the fridge)
- food processor

Getting rid of:
- small woven basket (trash sized)
- a bread box
- TV (about 27")

Amy's list:

LOOKING FOR: popsicle molds, natural woven baskets for laundry, a coffee table, an old dye pot, dark blue or brown cloth dye, a haircutting cape, a non-plastic toolbox, a compost bin, an oven-proof cast-iron skillet, some 12-month footie baby sleepers.

GETTING RID OF: a fondue set, fondue lighter fluid, a yogurt maker, an alarm clock with large display green number and very effective (ie. annoying) buzzer, a variety of makeup, some of which is unopened.

Shedding Weight

2011-04-07T12:30:00.001-04:00

I've had really serious bloggers block lately. I can find no will to type, even though I have many things to say. Olive's been a handful lately. Lots of playing from one thing to the next. Lots of me standing within quick reach of her while she climbs up onto a chair, which she has pushed from the table to the counter, onto the counter, then demanding to be lifted up onto the cabinet shelves. Or similar things. Lots and lots of climbing, and watching her climb. I'm so tired you'd think I was the one scaling furniture. Of course I was no different. I remember climbing things until I was 15 or 16 years old, I still have the tendency. :)

I also am still dealing with thrush, which I haven't mentioned in a while. I have been seen in total by seven doctors, a nurse, a lactation consultant. I've used clotrimizole, nystatin, hydrocortizone, gentian violet, and am currently on a 2 week oral dose of fluconazole, and have an appointment with a dermatologist, oh an I've had blood tests. Its a lot, and on a daily basis I've only been thinking "I just dont want to be itchy anymore". Its been 3 months.
I'm very determined to persevere through this, but I cannot deny that I've considered that the only solution may be in weening Olive. I'm not ready, and neither is she, so I am very torn.
In all its a yucky feeling issue.

Of course I'm excited about the warm that's been coming, and really eager to do some spring purging/cleaning, but I think I might be jumping the gun if I started now. The most exciting spring purge is that we are retiring our car. retireyourride.ca
Its an adjustment that I've been wanting to make for a while now, but I am glad I held out through tthe winter. St-Henri is a really rich neighbourhood, so really I can get most everything done within walking distance of our house. Downtown is only about a 30 minute walk for anything else. Olive has a helmet and we have 2 rear seats, plus a bike trailer, so hopefully we'll be biking other places. Like my mums or Amy's. We'll see, like I said lot's of adjusting. I'm going to have to learn how to leave the house early enough not to be SUPER late for everything, Which I already am.

I've given a little update to my wishlist here: things we need for anyone interested.

Olive Lately, approaching 15 months

2011-03-31T00:06:00.002-04:00

She's been walking, but not. 3 steps, then her legs go crumpling, 2 steps and her feet cross. Up and down, up and down, She can, but she can't. She's excited about it. We walk up and down the hall. To daddy and back, holding on to the smidgenest of my fingers just for safety. She stands on her own, hovering, staring, thinking very hard about taking.that.step.
*****

*****

About a month ago Greg and I sat down and talked about Olive's sleeping habit. As we do often, as I am sure all parents, ever, have done often. Its probably one of the ways they grow and change the most, but you can't measure it with a stick, or send the clothes that dont fit off to the thrift. We HAD been doing the mommy nurses olive, then dad puts her to sleep, and that wasn't not working, but I wouldn't say that it was working either. I felt anxious a lot coming up to bedtime even though it wasn't my task, maybe guilty too, like I wasn't sharing something pivotal. Greg kept falling asleep with her, as anyone would do after 9 hours of biking, and he would sleep until 9 or 10, then feel messed up all night. The good part was that Olive was sleeping, and doing so without mum, which is a BIG big-girl step.

I'm uncomfortable putting labels on myself because I think often that leads to self-made pigeon-holing. People get stuck and suddenly see things in black and white. I think this is especially true with parenting. Especially true with terms like Attachment Parenting, Co-sleepers, Cry-It-Out, and No-Cry. I do agree with a lot AP principles, and that's the way I parent, because it feels right, but not because I am an attachment parent. Here's where I suddenly realised we had stuck ourselves. Stuck between the short bridge, a jump, from mothering to parenting. (not that those things are at all done exclusively).

Olive had become ready to take a bigger step towards falling asleep on her own. I didn't see it because I had told myself during this first year that I wouldn't leave her to cry herself to sleep. Something about sleep training infants and small babies really really really bothers me. Something about the term 'Sleep Training' REALLY bothers me. So I didn't want to go there. Infants should have their every cry and need attended to, and I think that simply because their needs are so simple. Feed me. Change me. Love me. Keep me warm.

Olive isn't a little baby anymore. She's still little, and still a baby, but also a kid, and a toddler. She's grown.

So Greg and I talked, and then here's how it went. (possibly scarier for us parents suddenly abandoned from our role as 'NEEDED' than for Olive) We set up a routine: teeth brushing, potty sit, into pajamas, nursing, maybe some books, lights off. When lights go off I've generally tried to make it No More Booby Time, but that doesn't always workout. We decided to alternate nights. We sit there in the dark with her for a bit, watch her settle herself. Then get up slowly, and leave, most of the time with her still awake.

I braced myself for a big hubbub, I thought there would be lots of crying, I thought I would fall to pieces. We planned to go in and re-settle her at five minute intervals. Boy how unnecessary. There have been nights where she cries for a while, and almost always we get a little 'Hey! Where you going?" cry, sometimes we have to go back in, but mostly not. She's just ready. Genuine champion sleeper. Sometimes we even hear her singing to herself. or babbling for a while, then it tapers off into silence, and dreaming. About this I am seriously SO PROUD of HER.

*****

She climbed up the jungle-gym at the park today, crawled across the platforms to the slide, turned around, put one foot over the edge, then the other, let her body slide until just her fingers held onto the top of the slide, and then let go, WITH A HUGE SMILE ON HER FACE. then repeated this 7 or 8 more times.

*****

Pottying has gone as usual. After naps, in the morning before bed, a couple of catches during the day. Sometimes she stays dry for really long periods of time. She'll climb up onto the potty herself, but only when its offered. She doesn't go there herself yet. I think we have a really good balance, and i am content until she takes the next step.

*****

Like I've said many times she is a talker. With her hands, and her words. Her thing right now is pointing at things and saying 'Deee!, deee!', she expects me to bring whatever it is she's pointing at to her then. Funny. Sometimes I do it automatically before realising I dont want her to have my phone!

We're doing lots of signs. many for eating and drinking, and lots of animals. I now try to pick up things during conversations with her that I think are key. I'll be saying "can I HAVE that" and then go look up the sign for GIVE or SHARE or HAVE. I'm putting it more naturally into the conversations and allowing her to pick up whatever she does. I try not to overwhelm her though, we dont really do consecutive signing yet. Except "KITTEN EATING". Because those are her favourite words, AND our cats happen to eat, and she enjoys feeding them.

97

2011-03-26T11:57:00.007-04:00

when faces called flowers float out of the ground
and breathing is wishing and wishing is having--
but keeping is downward and doubting and never
--its april (yes,april;my darling) its spring!
yes the pretty birds frolic as spry as can fly
yes the fish gambol as glad as can be
(yes the mountains are dancing together)

when every leaf opens without any sound
and wishing is having and having is giving--
but keeping is doting and nothing and nonsense
--alive:we're alive;dear:it's(kiss me now)spring!
now the pretty birds hover so she and so he
now the little fish quiver so you and so i
(now the mountains are dancing;the mountains)

when more than was lost has been found has been found
and having is giving and giving is living--
but keeping is darkness and winter and cringing
--it's spring ( all our night becomes day) o,it's spring!
all the pretty birds dive to the heart of the sky
all the little fish climb through the mind of the sea
(all the mountains are dancing;are dancing)

- e. e. cummings

Limbo

2011-03-25T11:55:00.000-04:00

So many things have been passing through my brain to blog about, but it is a truck stop, a very busy space station of thoughts that move quickly back to where they came from; the final frontier.I just haven't instead.

I'm in limbo. And don't we never realise how we get here? Or when.
The other day another blogger was talking about the transition from standing on your solid mothering legs, the ones you've stretched and strengthened all the months since pregnancy, labour, and birth, to finding your parenting legs. Ones that are so new and so different. That's where I am with Olive. I am a great and confident mother to Olive, who is just now really coming into her own person. With needs and wants, and the ability to say so. Greg and I are learning where the boundaries are, and where they need to be set.
Parenting.
Along with learning to be a parent, I am finding myself with a lot more free time. Olive gains autonomy, and so do I. I can go out. I have to remind myself. I'm thinking about what comes next. Where can I focus my efforts. Here lies limbo.
We want another baby. And I am happy to wait until they come to us, but reluctant to throw myself into any committed endeavor such as going back to school, part time work, upping my sewing game. I know when I am pregnant that I will be tired, that I will need rest, that I will only want to prepare to mother again. Mothering that I know now is intensive and singular for at least a year. I dont want to start something and stop again. So I'm reluctant to start anything at all. Limbo, and a little bit of anxiety along with it.
I think the solution might be to jump in anyway. Like lighting a cigarette while waiting for the bus. Here comes the bus! What an obnoxious phenomenon.

IN mums overalls

At Amy's

2011-03-19T00:01:00.000-04:00

Stoop Sitting

2011-03-17T17:19:00.001-04:00

Today we had some of my favourite good weather activity, which is stoop sitting. We were out not even ten minutes and Olive met 2 of our neighbours that I didn't know. She's good for that. Always making friends..

mama feet, babe feet.

Big girl, standing.

One is not the opposite of the other.

2011-03-13T21:29:00.000-04:00

There's something that I've been hearing a lot lately, here and there, that's really been bugging me, and that is the association of minimalism as the antithesis of hoarding. The two seem to be of note lately from shows like TLC's Hoarding:buried alive and A&E's Hoarders, while minimalism seems popular for various reasons, which I get, because who wouldn't want to simplify their lives? What bothers me, and makes me wish that people wouldn't associate the two, is that minimalism is NOT the opposite of hoarding. Minimalism is a lifestyle choice while hoarding is a psychological disorder usually triggered by a traumatic event. People hoarding suffer, and an everyday person with a lot of stuff, the normal things that most people have, are not hoarding, they can choose to get rid of things often, and most people do, while a hoarder cannot.
I think associating the two things in this manner cushions the reality, and eliminates understanding for people dealing with a hoarding problem.

citizen

2011-03-13T08:00:00.043-04:00

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh. Cute, right.

I'm expecting this hairstyle she's got going to catch on pretty soon. All the rave. Not just short in the front, party in the back, but thin in the front, curly in the back. What a hipster. ah ha ha ha ha.

Speaking of, while Greg was working on the 'zine in the picture, the Citezen, which is a bike messenger 'zine, the 'editor' wanted him to remove a logo alluding to Critical Mass because he said that "Messengering and Critical Mass dont go together". Greg was puzzled, because well messengers ride bikes, and Mass is about bike power. The editors reasoning: Critical Mass is for hipsters, to which Greg replied "You think we're not hipsters? Me, you, our courier friends, riding on bikes how we dress. We're hipsters"
Oh how I love the freedom of not giving a shit. The word Hipster is designed to make people who care about being so cool feel awkward about it. So really the only way to not be a hipster is to not fucking CARE if you are a hipster. Even if you are. Cause obviously we are. Us with our pants an our hair and our bikes, and oh fuck. "we're hipsters"
Not only that but we're breeding. Just look at that striped sweater she's wearing!

Racey Laci Green, and Julia talks gay again...

2011-03-12T22:26:00.001-05:00

One of my absolute favourite people on the internet right now is Laci Green. She is a Youtuber running the channel SEX + where her videos focus on educating folks about healthy sexual expression, STD/STI prevention, and ALL things sex positive.
I love her because I think this is so important. I am so tired of peoples fucked up relationships with themselves, their bodies, who they choose to love/have sex with, that there is still prevalent HATE towards woman and queer people, and on and on and on. I am so tired of this. I have always been tired of this.

My sister and I were talking the other day about how we just dont feel comfortable with the term bisexuality, and more importantly that revealed our intrinsic discomfort with ANY need to pin down and label sexuality. The example: annoying friend says : "Wow, your boobs look good in that shirt, I'm so jealous, not that I'm a lesbian or anything".
First reason why we dont get this: If I'm your friend, and I know you, why would I think you were coming on to me because you gave me a compliment about my body?
Second reason: If I am a lesbian, I can compliment women without it involving my sexuality.
This is important because the boundaries of our relationships/friendships are not defined by our sexual orientation, they are defined by how we set them. Ie. My interactions with friends depend on how I define that term. For me a friend is someone I share a common interest and bond, feel comfortable around, love, but am not attracted to, or choose not to act on any attraction for any number of reasons. I do not have sex with friends. And anything I say to a friend is not meant to peak that persons interest in a sexual way. Some people would define that differently, and set different limits. Hopefully up front.
"your shirt looks good in those boobs, and I'm a lesbian..." uhhhhhhh....

I'm not a lesbian, but it doesn't matter, because I am queer at heart. I think I hate the term bisexuality, because it suggest that at any given moment a person is feeling ambiguous, and torn in 2 directions. While in reality being open about sexuality allows me to feel pretty clear about what I want and how to get it. I say all this while me and my bisexual boyfriend live our heteronormatively aligned life.
I do understand that there are people who are purely straight, just like there are people who are completely gay, but I just dont get why it matters in a way that needs a clear announcement. Like name tags, just to avoid embarrassment right?

I'm pretty tired of sexual oppression, but I'm happy forging ahead in the name of healthy sexual expression.

Go visit Laci Green she talks about a lot of things besides sexual orientation.
http://www.youtube.com/user/lacigreen
http://lacigreen.tv/

letting baby be baby

2011-03-07T12:51:00.000-05:00

A crucial thought that I try to maintain is that children are CHILDREN. There is a goal in parenting that you will have an end result of a grown up mature adult, who has a sense of right and wrong, polite and rude, appropriate and not, and can navigate through those scenarios. But that is the end result. The means to getting there are a little tricky. Kids are loud, they are annoying, they are honest about their feelings, everything they do that isn't 'creature need' fulfilling (eating, sleeping, eliminating, cuddling), is PLAY. Even a lot of their basic needs involve play.
At home, we make a lot of loud noises. Singing, banging, yelling, talking. I try to keep our house organized in a baby friendly way. I feel like if I spend 3/4 of the day telling Olive not to touch something, then maybe its best to just move that something to an Oliveless place. We spend a lot of time in the kitchen because I don't want to be pulling Olive off the record shelf all.day.long. I purposely look to avoid situations in the battles of wills, because when I do say no, I think its just as important to follow through, and who wants to be battling all day long?
At the same time when my automatic NO comes on, I have to ask myself, 'why can't she do that?'. Will she get hurt? Is it only because its annoying? Am I worried what other people might think?
That last one is the big one. When we are out and about, I find myself hyper aware of Olive being a kid. I mean why can't she just sit still, eat her snack neatly, play with the toys I brought.....? 'Those poor people on their laptops trying to study!' I think to myself. I kind of imagine how wonderful it would be living somewhere that children, and the behaviour that goes along with them, is accepted. I am not sure where this is, but I meet people on the street, obviously raised somewhere else, who come and kiss the baby, ask if they can take pictures of the baby, smile at the baby, people who are happy to see a beautiful healthy child, and I think 'wow, how foreign.'

What can I do about these feelings? Mostly I start off by realigning everybody's place in my head, and what I expect of them. Olive = child. Me = adult. People staring = other adults.
I expect Olive to play, and make noise, and explore, for her to be a child. I also expect her to obey me when I do say No. I expect her to test my boundaries as well. And I realistically expect that those tests wont always happen in the privacy (read embarrassment safe zone) of our home.
From myself I expect P A T I E N C E. A lot of it. I expect myself to follow through, and I expect that I will help Olive safely navigate through her playing, exploring, meeting new friends. I mostly expect myself to be able to recognize when we are being bothersome, and judge whether that is warranted (like the library), or not (like the grocery store, who cares if she's loud in the grocery store!?). Most importantly I expect myself to set an example of the polite, mature adult I hope she'll grow into. Which means I pick all the food off the floor of the restaurant, put the chairs back, and leave a good tip for our family foot print.
From other people I just expect understanding of what children are REALLY like.

Boots

2011-03-03T20:11:00.001-05:00

These are my favourite boots, unfortunately I do not fit them anymore. That's one of the things that happens to you when you are pregnant, your feet get bigger and they don't usually shrink back. So after a year of being in denial, and some hurting feet I'm ready to get rid of them.

Any takers? I was a size 7. I've had them 3 years, but have only really worn them for one winter. They're in pretty good shape, you can see the one little nick on the side in the left photo. I put rubber bands around them because their little design flaw is that the zipper down the front slowly unzips while you walk, but the rubber bands solve that. I'll give them to anyone who wants to come pick them up, or ship them to anyone who wants to pay the shipping.

Illuseevil@gmail.com

socks and sneakers

2011-03-03T19:58:00.000-05:00

Wearing my new knitted socks.

Danzig

2011-03-01T20:39:00.001-05:00

I just couldn't remember if I shared this with you guys. Its from our trip to Owen Sound.

Speak Slow

2011-02-27T00:07:00.000-05:00

I gunna say that Olive says 'G-dee' meaning 'kitty' because she signs it and points to our cats. Its a perfect first word for my little lovely, I think.

5 Feet Tall

2011-02-24T17:16:00.000-05:00

How we spend the entire day. Crawls out of bed, navigating the kitchen until she spots it, her highchair, then she climbs up herself, and sits, stands, hovers over the edge, for as long as I'll allow it. And I do. Mostly. From there she knows what she wants. She points and tells me food! with a "deeeee! deeeee!", she signs 'eat' 'milk' 'water', effective demands, so I oblige. Then she tells me her plans for the day, we discuss kitten colours and raisins, but its all in code, fortunately I'm now well versed in pantomime and babble, because she is a speaker, let me tell you.

Our serious faces.

I still only have access to an awkward computer, and also I still have thrush! IT IS NOT A JOY.

She is cooking

2011-02-20T22:26:00.000-05:00

Some photos from the past couple of weeks.

Jitterbug Perfume

2011-02-15T11:55:00.001-05:00

"They say that February is the shortest month, but you know they could be wrong.

"Compared calender page against calender page, it looks to be the shortest, all right. Spread between January and March like lard on bread, it fails to reach the crust on either slice. In its galoshes--and you'll never catch February in stocking feet--it's a full head shorter than December, although in leap years, when it has growth spurts, it comes up to April's nose.

"However more abbreviated than its cousins it may look, February feels longer than any of them. It is the meanest moon of winter, all the more cruel because it will masquerade as spring, occasionally for hours at a time, only to rip off its mask with a sadistic laugh and spit icicles into every gullible face, behaviour that grows quickly old."

Tom Robbins.

... I am still without a convenient computer to blog on.
My thrush is on the mend, but still lingering.

Lastly, an on going thought; I used to talk to myself, and in a way I still do, but now instead I blog in my head. Sometimes I write those blogs, other times they pass and fade, as momentary thoughts. I think blogging for me is very much a way to knit together my lose strings. It becomes more obvious as days pass when I don't write any blogs, and my thoughts pile up and then move on. I start talking to myself again.
I appreciate my brain's way of using different mediums to calm itself. With one, I do not need the other, but it lingers in my pathways just in case.... the internet dies.

Been Away

2011-02-05T19:08:00.000-05:00

My computer is having a no turn on situation, so I've been away from the internet world. And will continue to be.

It turns out that my nipple situation is thrush. Its gotten worse,and I have seen my doctor about it. Pretty much its the WORST THING I HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED while breastfeeding. I have had to cut Olive back A LOT, and we are both doing pretty crummy because of that. Sudden hormonal changes are making me quick down, with little patience. While Olive doesn't understand why she can't have booby. She sits on the floor and cries, pats at my chest, pulls my shirt down. It isn't about hunger, its nurturing she wants, so I am accompanied with guilt as well. We haven't stopped, and I will resume nursing hr when I am healed.

I was fortunate that Olive had her vaccine appointment this week, which is how I got to see my doctor. 12 months is 4 vaccines. Afterward she slept for 3 hours. I was discussing with my friend the other day about pro vs. anti vaccine debate. She mentioned someone she knew whose baby had died of SIDS a couple of days after their vaccines, never completely linked but the parents suspected. Its makes sense to me that connection, Olive sleeps VERY soundly after being vaccinated, so I watch her closely, and when she was younger I wouldn't leave her to sleep alone right after.
However I am not anti vaccine. I really don't care what other parents choose to do with their children in this case. I think its very important for parents to be able to make full decisions for their children and families, and for that to not be intervened by imposed rules that don't apply to all situations. So, importantly I am not pro vaccine either. I get Olive vaccinated because I believe that is the best decision for Olive and our family.

Nutritional Yeast and Hot Sauce

2011-02-01T17:10:00.000-05:00

I can assume that everyone has their own 'gross' food combinations, like mashed potatoes and honey, or sun-chips in a tuna sandwich. Today mine is leftover pasta salad, HEATED, with hot-sauce and nutritional yeast. Delicious. So so delicious.

On the weekend Olive took some steps. Toward her daddy. I've been noticing her standing on her own a lot more often lately. I am excited when she walks, but really I have learned by now that she'll do it when she is ready and not a moment before, so there is no use egging and pushing too much.

These past few weeks its been pretty difficult feeding Olive . I mean nursing her of course. We have no solid food problems, except maybe that she <3's booby greatly. I wasn't kidding the other day when I said that the dry weather is making my everything dry, including my nipples and I am in A LOT of pain, that involves cringing and counting down minutes and seconds until I can unlatch her. Needless to say I am pretty down about it, because I am in no way ready to stop nursing, and neither is Olive. If she was I would. But I feel like I would be cheating her. Also this is momentary. I think back a year, when I was new to nursing and had this same pain, from newness not dry weather, although come to think about it maybe we were accompanied by the weather then too, I was able to persevere then, and I will now.
Most of our nursing is during 'quiet' times now anyway, like nap and bedtime, we still nurse through the night as well. Last night was the first ever where I had to tell her no, she wiggled and was upset, awoke more than usual, but was otherwise very cooperative with me. A bittersweet moment, as she turns over, back to my front, and spoons with me as she would falling asleep with Greg. And so our relationship begins to change. She is a big person now. Much her own.

Party

2011-01-30T20:52:00.001-05:00

Another birthday party today, this time for 3 year old Jake (and 30 year old Katie):

There was a pinata transformer, and always mom-made cake, lots of babies. We absolutely have to have a pregnant lady around, its crucial tradition, and maybe Greg took one or two naps. Possibly.

How it is

2011-01-28T21:29:00.003-05:00

This post is about my period, so you know if that makes you uncomfortable ...

I have never been a fan of pads, they are so uncomfortable, and besides a couple of times when I was a teenager, and during my post natal bleeding, I haven't really used them much at all. Gotta say I am lucky (I guess) and have a very mild flow, that's probably why I could get away with it. As a teenager I just used tampons, and nothing at all on my light days, until I found the wonder of all womanly wonders; the diva cup. And bless that because tampons are gross too. Oh how I love my diva cup.
This time around the moon I couldn't find my cup. I just didn't know what to do. I still don't know where it is! It has come to a point where I can't buy pads and tampons, it would cripple my little environmental heart, and I'd be left feeling defeated all week long. No, no, no.
Instead, I've done the obvious, which is make myself cloth pads. Nothing special, I just cut up an old towel. I may end up making myself some fancy ones, ah la Soulemama's Handmade Home, with snaps and all, but for now these are working fine. Actually better than fine, I am pumped about this. I can't even believe I've never done it before. I guess its necessity and invention, right?

I think the terry cloth works so wonderful because of it providing a larger surface area, like microvilli of cells, for absorption, and I haven't experienced anything close to a 'leak'. I can throw them in the wash with Olive's cloth diapers and best of all there is no feeling like I am wearing a sweaty disposable diaper myself! I'm into it, thats all I'm saying.
This has me thinking about when I was 14 getting my period, the options presented to me being pads or tampons. There wouldn't have been anyone in my life to show me otherwise, but obviously I wish there could have been. I think realistically being 14, and given a Diva Cup, I most likely would have said "you have to do what!?!" and then been embarrassed and not into it because at that age I remember 17 magazine and being bombarded with O.B ads. I would have been uncomfortable, because I wouldn't have wanted to be abnormal. At least not about this. It takes a couple of years to 'own' your period, and step away from what you think is the norm. If ever at all. BUT, there is a big but here, the Diva Cup (or Keeper) is a revolution because it was a stepping stone towards making me feel healthy and clean, NORMAL about my period. I even look forward to it, and I wish I had been given that option much earlier.
The same goes for cloth pads. I think there is even some therapy in bleeding this way, uninterrupted, and washing it away, then starting fresh. Without chemicals next to your skin, and dyes and perfumes that suggest that you must smell bad. I think that bothers me most about pads and tampons the suggestion that menstruating is gross and dirty, I think it's what bothers me most about 17 magazine, and O.B ads. 'No applicator at all, it just hides in your hand, no one will know!' 'new crinkle free wrapper, so discrete!'
In Islam, women don't pray during their period, so everyone knows when you are, and when you aren't. While that part of their religion is a suggestion in itself that menstruating is dirty (or unholy), and that bothers me, because in turn it is a suggestion that women are dirty (or unholy), I really appreciate that in their culture, because everyone knows, it isn't a big deal at all, and is spoken about openly. I think that is best.
Obviously if we accept that we don't have to be like men (because they are so clean and holy all of the time!) we would feel more comfortable about ourselves and our periods. Imagine if you could say 'I'm not going to do much today because I have cramps and need rest, I think I am just going to nap, and then later wash out my cloth pads.' hahaha how wonderful.
I just might have to start saying that. You know to get the ball rolling...

Jake, Olive, Nate

2011-01-27T12:38:00.001-05:00

Plastic waste week 2

2011-01-25T22:42:00.001-05:00

{new; plastic waste generated this week}
1. 3x milk cartons (2x plastic caps)
2. 2x black diamond cheese wrapper
3. 2x chili sauce packet
4. 3x candy wrapper
5. a plastic lined lid to glass juice bottle
6. broken plastic snow globe ornament
7. cracker wrapper
8. plastic sheet from inside drill bit case I bought this week
9. Nature Valley granola wrapper
10. 2x envelope windows
11. wrapping from shoe insoles
12. chocolate Santa wrapper

{old; plastic waste that's been around for a while but is leaving my house this week}
13. bread bag tab
14. bio-vert dish detergent bottle ( I am actually going to bring this to the NDG bulk store because they take them for people to use when they buy bulk detergent, same goes for laundry soap bottles)
15. planters almonds (its been in our cupboard for ages, I buy nuts in cloth bags at the bulk store now)
16. Plastic window from a kleenex box ( I dont even buy kleenex! What a wasteful idea, I've got sleeves)

I do actually feel that I have gotten our plastic waste down to crucial elements now. That is, excluding guilty pleasures like the candy wrappers, granola wrapper and chili sauce. We need milk, and as far as I know, and have searched, milk isn't sold here in glass bottles, sadly. Same goes for cheese, although I am looking into ways that I can avoid the plastic here. I have also resigned myself to the idea that lids to glass bottles will have to be in the plastic I'm okay with pile.
Three things I am looking for alternatives for are dish and laundry detergent, as well as toilet paper.

Raisins

2011-01-25T21:32:00.000-05:00

Every part of my body is dry. My hands, my feet, my lips, my BRAIN, especially my eyes, and even my nipples. Like a cold Siberian desert. I'm just full of negative things to say lately, aren't I? I guess January has caught up with me. I haven't been outside for more than ten minutes in long enough that I cannot remember. Yesterday was the apex of bone-chilling-frost-fist-clenching-coldness, so its only gunna getting warmer from here on out. In my wonderful, inevitably realistic, dreams.

Well here's me dancing in my hot pink one piece:

Keeps me warm from ankles to wrists.

Dad

2011-01-24T15:45:00.000-05:00

I remember who my dad was to me when I was a kid. He was always around. My mum went to work. He took care of us, although now I might question how well, but then still, I turned out fine. I remember being walked to the bus stop, or to get candy at the corner store. My mum told me a while back that she always kept the bowls on a low shelf so we could feed ourselves. Like I said we turned out fine. I really dont know how it would have felt to have grown up different. He is bipolar. Pink pills everyday. I remember that too. It was insignificant at the time.
He also used to tell me, at great length, about astronomy, space and time. Everything he could relate about the universe, and how it worked. Brilliant. I always felt that he was, and that I could be too. He is also an alcoholic, which never felt insignificant. That was astronomical.
I remember who my dad was to me when I was a kid. Then one day a couple years ago I realised he had vanished. I dont think I grew up and saw a different person. I think as I grew up he was a different person. Swallowed up in his circuitry, 7 up and a couple of a couple of pints. Its astronomically sad sometimes.
He doesn't drink anymore, because he cant. But I am not sure why. There are times where it seems as if he has nothing to live for, or get better for, because he had already evaporated when the time came to quit. I think he lives for my mother to have something to live for. The years have caught up with him.

Playing

2011-01-24T11:23:00.000-05:00

The New?

2011-01-20T22:24:00.001-05:00

In august my best friend of 'since I was 10', Pamela, moved to Toronto. We've always gone through tides in our friendship, so while its strange to not be able to suddenly reappear into each others lives at whim, I'm pretty okay with it because we've gone months in the same city without one phone call to the other, and pretty much she's just a friend for life, no matter where we live.
I do however have a hard time making friends. A combination of being shy, and awkward, 'rough around the edges', I don't really know what people think of me when they meet me, but I know that, with a few (dear) exceptions, I don't ever befriend anyone off the bat. I'd rather not talk to strangers.
It isn't only Pamela that's moved away. My little sister has been living in Halifax for 2 years, then there is also back-and-forth-Bubzee, soon my neighbour Janine, and Carina too. That's pretty much all of my close friends, except Amy, and my sister Morgan. I think this is the flow of modern life, I have felt down about these in and outs of friendship other times. I'm not really feeling that now. I kind of know its good, that friendships are best when everyone's where they should be.
I am wondering what will come next though?

Link

2011-01-20T20:52:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I come across things I'd like to share, but its often enough that making posts about them would be tedious. So, I added a gadget of links on the side, and I'll update it as they come.
Right now its DIY scriracha sauce, and the hidden freshwater cost of eating meat (and other things), go look.

Yogurt

2011-01-19T18:36:00.003-05:00

I somehow salvaged my yogurt, not knowing at all what I was doing. I turned on my crockpot for an hour, then off again, and when I came back later, it had thickened and was beginning to look a lot more like yogurt. There was still some straining needed, but now I have some whey to go along with our yogurt. Which I can make other things with.
Happy!

Homemade yogurt, homemade granola. I'm really getting a feel for this kitchen thing!

Double Fail

2011-01-19T09:09:00.000-05:00

Most of the time I bring Olive to the potty first thing in the morning, and I mean first thing, like as our eyes are opening, she pees and poos, and then I dont have to think about it for another half an hour at least. But sometimes she doesn't pee, and sometimes she doesn't have to poo. Then it's kind of a guessing game. That's not my fail. My fail is this; if she doesn't poo right away, I know it will probably be coming soon. we hang out in the kitchen playing and eating breakfast, or checking my emails and eating breakfast, and playing, I see her *I'm taking a shit* face, and I know it. Its the EC mamas intuition, but another part of my brain says 'no no Julia, she's not pooing, she's just playing', the lazy part of my brain. And the Intuition part is ALWAYS right, the lazy part NEVER. But for some reason it still happens. Not all the time, but often enough to make me annoyed with myself. It backfires on the lazy part, because cleaning shitty diapers is way more work than bringing a babe to the potty. Fail #1.

Also, yesterday I tried making yogurt, and it looks like chunky milk soup. Fail #2

At least its warmer out and my poopy butt baby is cuddly.

Pictures of Garbage; plastic waste week 1

2011-01-18T11:37:00.000-05:00

Our family's plastic waste collected this week:

{Food items}
1. Cat food bag
2. cracker barrel cheese wrapper
3. 2x bread bags and their tabs
4. milk carton
5. cookies tray
6. crackers wrapper
7. 3x animal crackers single serving bag (from Olive's stocking)
8. not pictured; a bunch of tins from canned beans

{non food items}
9. miscellaneous plastic bags
10. styrofoam from stand mixer packaging
11. tape from stand mixer packaging and other parcels
12. toothbrush package
13. eye drop vial
14. toilet paper packaging
15. envelope windows
16. lid to juice bottle

{old items (plastic used up this week, but not bought this week)}
17. toothbrush
18. VHS tape (broken or it would have been donated to soundcentral along with 150 others)
19. maple syrup tins (lined with plastic)
20. baby wipes package (these are from when olive was born, and have only been used up now, I usually use cloth towels to wipe her bum)
21. cinnamon spice container and lid.

All together now:

Changes I can make this week:
1. make bread, cookies, and crackers from scratch
2. wipe baby butts with cloth towels (already do!)
3. get off random mailing list
4. buy spices and beans in bulk

Size 12m

2011-01-12T21:53:00.003-05:00

Today Olive started signing like mad. It clicked and cannot be unclicked. She's like "oh, if I do this you will give me that", even if she doesn't really want that. The signs she knows and will sign back; eat (signs eat), nursing (signs a different version of eat, plus a good smack to mommy's chest), water (signs eat and points to cup), all done (signs all done), hello/goodbye (the obvious).
Most of those aren't even the right sign, but I don't care. We're working on it. I am just thrilled that she's made that pivotal connection that the shapes I have been making at her for months mean something. THEY MEAN SOMETHING! hallelujah.

I gave her her 1 year old haircut just a tiny pin of hair off the top. The hair she's had since she was born. Her little mohawk.

Pictures From Ontario

2011-01-12T01:12:00.002-05:00

From second christmas:

Grama, Greg, and Babe:

Birthday party:

A car-ride home full of stuff:

2011-01-11T00:03:00.002-05:00

Home.

...So Don't Waste Your Money.

2011-01-09T22:31:00.002-05:00

Number {1} of my goals for this year is to reduce our plastic waste more significantly.To be honest I am feeling discouraged already. I feel like I have voiced my opinion here, on this topic, pretty clearly, but I think I am not being heard. I am serious about it, and if it takes an unveiling of my stubborn side then naked I will be.

I knew the holidays, and birthdays orbiting them would be hard for me. I have really made a big(ger) change in how I see my own consumption this year. What once took an effort to control, spending, buying, wanting, is now indifference. I know what I don't need, and what I do, I know how to get it without sacrificing my ideals. But Christmas is a time of giving. Giving us what we dont need and dont want. I am left feeling ungrateful, which truly I am. Especially when I know that birthdays can be a lot more than presents. There can be simple traditions like a hair cut, or a special breakfast. Christmas, or more importantly the Solstice, can be about spending the day outside, a ritual walk, learning about the earth and how it moves, a feast, family. Do not get me wrong. When I am opening a gift I sit with a huge grin, excited "You got something for ME!" I think. But the moment fades, and I look around sitting in a pile of singly used wrapping paper, trying to figure out just what I am going to do with another bottle of moisturizer. Especially since I decided 8 months ago that I wasn't going to buy any more personal-care products in plastic bottles. I would use up what I have and then learn to make my own. I still have not gone through it all!
Like I said I knew it would be hard. I made a point to mention nicely beforehand that I would prefer if you let the family know we don't really want any presents in plastic. I knew there would be confusion, I knew some people wouldn't get it, don't understand. I'm not surprised when someone says "oh but its organic-eco-friendly plastic" (there's no such thing, in case I have to say. Again; There is no such thing as enviromentally friendly plastic). But I thought at least someone would hear me.
My mother sat beside me as I opened a gift for Olive: " I know you don't like plastic, but...". I thought inside "well if you know, then why did you get this for her?" IF YOU HEAR ME COULD YOU PLEASE JUST LISTEN?

Its over and done with and I have a couple of plans for what comes next:
1. I am going to be collecting our plastic waste and joining in Beth Terry's Show Your Plastic challenge. I feel like I have reached a plateau. Where I have eliminated what's easy enough, and now I need it in my face to find inspiration in what to do next.

2. The biggest leeway I give is to my mother. Almost because I feel sorry for her inability to comprehend the problem. She is after all one of those who does not believe in climate change. She also buys us a lot of things. Things we need yes, and things we could use, but she just loves to find it in plastic, wrap it in a baggy, and then bring it over in some Walmart bags (because they still dont charge a 5 cent fee). I am putting my foot down here, excepting my responsibility in the matter as I enjoy free shit, but will be saying no whenever she offers to buy a toy, some shampoo, groceries, dirt etc, etc, etc. ETC. (You really might not understand how much crap she likes to buy us). We'll both, my mum and I, really just have to learn to love eachothers with company, quarrels, and power walking from now on.

3. Lastly, next year, I am just going to have to say "If you buy Olive a plastic toy, it will be off to the thrift in a week, so don't waste your money" and maybe then the point will be made.
Maybe then we will see a glimpse of plastic-freedom. :)

hum

2011-01-09T21:15:00.000-05:00

Olive is one year old today.

Owen Sound

2011-01-07T11:21:00.000-05:00

We've been here in Grey Bruce County for a few days now. Driving up from Orangeville on Highway 10 we hit a snowstorm and I couldn't see 3 feet in front of the car. I had an anxiety attack, okay really maybe 2 or 3, and had to pull over to the side of the road until a car passed by at 20 km/h that I could follow by their lights. I'm not a very confident nighttime driver to begin with, especially since I had laser eye surgery. Which improved my vision, but also changed the way I focus in the dark and on artificial light. In the end we showed up fine, 3 hours for a 1 hour drive, but I was sure we get stuck in a ditch the whole way here.
Olives been shy, and whiny. Travelling is hard on kids. She's tired, and I'm sure she'd say "home" if she could. So would I. I feel like I haven't had my home for 2 or 3 weeks instead of 8 days, what with the bed bugs, and I am a creature of habit, struck with insomnia, pacing, and perpetual sighing, unable to perform my daily rituals. Although, both Olive and I, are warming up to the place.
We had 2nd Christmas the night we came in. True to form Olive played in the boxes and paper rather than with her toys. I have pictures but no connection from my camera to the computer. So it will have to wait.

oh also, Greg and I brought our bikes. We've been riding around winterly. Definitely the only ones. Lots. of. fun.

New Year

2011-01-03T00:38:00.002-05:00

Last book of 2010:

I love Steve Martin. He is too talented. I actually finished reading it today, but was only 30-40 pages to the end for a painful 4ish days, where I just couldn't seem to get more than 4 pages at a time in.

Unlike our Charlotte, I enjoy resolution because I dont see it as a time to break a bad habit, but more like a marker for checking off progress towards my ambitions. Why not new year?! It is really a wonderful time, and there's not much else to do but introspect. I do like to improve myself all year round however!
Here's the list:

1. Make strides in learning to live our lives more and more free of plastic. Especially the disposable kind.
2. Start running, and keep it up.
3. Confidently make all our bread (and crackers, and cereal, and...)
4. Write more songs on guitar
5. Find time for sewing regularly
6. Garden successfully, ie. don't kill all my seedlings
7. Get back on my bike. Reestablish my old feeling that cars are almost useless in the city.
8. Spend more time outside (made easy by numbers 2,6, and 7)
9. Pay off my student debt
10. Learn to silkscreen
11. Learn to make food preserves
12. Get pregnant!

I may have to expand it. I may be too ambitious.

booby rant

2011-01-02T19:54:00.000-05:00

When I was pregnant I knew I wanted to breastfeed. I was unsure whether I would be successful, worried. I didn't know at first it would be almost 24/7. That came as a surprise. But I was successful, I've owned it actually. I also knew that I didn't want to be shy about it. That there wasn't anything to be shy about. Of course I did feel timid. I had to reassess my own identification with my breasts. I could feel people look at me, and I would worry, and wonder, and even though I didn't want to be, I was apologetic for what I knew I didn't have to be. I don't feel that way anymore at all. I kicked that feeling in the butt; by nursing my baby, wherever, whenever she needed. Everyone has seen my boobs. I'm pretty happy that they're doing their job. This last year has been wonderful and fulfilling.
Lately I've been getting comments along the lines of "so just how long are you going to breastfeed?" from several people. Some I know closely, and some that I don't, and should mind their business. I get it. I have reached my socially acceptable/doctor recommended limit of breastfeeding; 1 year. So when am I going to stop? When Olive or I are done. When we've had enough. When or if it doesn't work anymore. When I want to. When she wants to. Pretty much fuck you, and don't ever ask me that again.

Books 2011

2011-01-01T16:26:00.011-05:00

1. The Shallows, what the internet is doing to our brains, by Nicholas Carr
2. Better Off, by Eric Brende
3. Jitterbug Perfume, by Tom Robbins
4. Science, Sense, and Nonsense, by Joe Schwarcz PhD
5. Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk , by David Sedaris
6. The Chrysalids, by John Wyndham
7. East of Eden, by John Steinbeck
8. 100 selected poems; e. e. cummings...
9. Children of Men, by P.D. James...
10. Eating Animals, by Jonathan Safran Foer...
11. Diet for a Dead Planet, ..
12. Heroes, by Robert Cormier
13. Tenderness, by Robert Cormier
14. Skinny Legs and All, by Tom Robbins
15. Shopgirl, by Steve Martin
16. An Object of Beauty, by Steve Martin
17. A Member of the Family, by Cesar Millan
18. Jurassic Park, by Michael Crichton...

Some books I've been reading, but not front to back:
* the Diaper Free Baby, by Christine Grosse-Loh
* Healthy Bread in 5 Minutes a Day, by Jeff Hertzberg MD & Zoe Francois
* The Baby Signing Book, by Sara Bingham
* Urban G

Books of 2010

Lovely Girl

2010-12-30T23:15:00.000-05:00

I haven't been focusing in on Olive's 'progress' as much lately. I like to think of it as 'activity' and 'adventuring' really. I've been letting a lot of it pass by, without mentioning it here. Enjoying her silently. Observing, instead of proudly raving like the lunatic we parents can sometimes be about our GENIUS! children. But I feel compelled, as this week has been a big one.
There has been standing. Real, wobbly legged, nothing to hold on to standing. I am not sure she believes its happening when she's doing it. Still, then her jiggles collapse before she takes any steps. She's even beginning to stand up off the potty, which is going to be trouble, when she figures out that she doesn't have to sit there anymore when I put her down on it. But then again, when she can walk, she can start taking herself there when its time. And we can work on figuring that out together.
There's also the blowing, and new teeth. All in the same day! Two new teeth! All my experience with children has taught me that teaching someone how to blow out, or whistle is impossible. I'm not sure why. Whenever I show a little one how to blow out they always breathe in. Real fervently too. We didn't teach her anything, she found a recorder and blew the music out herself. To my amazement, as you can tell. :)
Lastly, she has started giving. Like feeding me, and handing over her toys. With a grin too, when she sees me take it. It doesn't sound big. But she just didn't do that last week. Last week she held on tightly. Its amazing being given a gift, by someone so small. Like a prize.

First Official Bike Riding

2010-12-27T21:18:00.000-05:00

We played christmas pretty low key this year. Not too many presents, just family hang outs, dinner, hilarity, etc. I don't think our family originally ever set out to form any traditions, but we have customs that have taken to sedimenting now. I'm beginning to really appreciate those things you can rely on like that. My sister makes a mean turkey, even when she cooks it to fast and too hot. Mysteriously undry. We fight over Charlotte. We only get each other gifts if we can think of something, no pressure, I don't think anyone expects a present in return when they do. Our family pretty much rocks. And its nice seeing the kids play together and being the older ones now, the aunts and mommies.

We got Olive a bike helmet. A gift for all of us. We are so excited to have her come around with us. Greg bikes for work, but even before that we are a cycling family. I wouldn't have a car if I didn't have a baby. We biked everywhere, to work, to school, for groceries. I biked up until I was 7 months pregnant. Until my waddling overtook me. In fact most of our gifts to each other were bike related, just as they were last year. It our opportunity to get all the vain things we can't really afford and wouldn't buy for ourselves. A Brookes saddles for Greg, some grips and fenders for me.

We have 2 rear mounted child bike seats, but for now are choosing to ride with her in the Ergo carrier. Here are a bunch of reasons why:

x Rear mounted seats are directly over the rear axle of the bike, so the shocks and jiggles of riding are a lot more pronounced there than an adult can feel from their saddle which is farther forward, and subject to less shock.

x The jiggles of riding are minimized when she is close to our bodies. The Ergo also has a snap-up hood designed to give support to her head. In a rear mounted seat, she would have nothing but her own little neck muscles.

x In the winter she is shielded from the violent wind by our bodies, and sharing direct body heat should she need it. We can also feel for ourselves if she is getting too cold for the ride, and stop.

x A lot of injuries that children sustain from riding in rear mounted seats actually happen when the bike is standing still, and falls over. They make the bike less stable. If Greg feels himself falling over he is more likely to catch himself by instinct, and Olive on his back, regardless of the bike falling. Where as if she were in a seat on the back, he might catch himself, but she would still fall with the bike.

For myself, I think I am still going to wait a little more for the spring until I ride with her. She'll be bigger and maybe I'll be confident about the rear seats when she fits them better. I'm also not confident in the snow and wouldn't risk falling. Greg on the other hand, knows he wont fall, with or without her. Plus he rides with heavier packages on his back all day long.

Not really making sense

2010-12-27T01:06:00.000-05:00

I have been feeling out of it a lot lately. Or just not my best. A little on the selfish side, and guilty for it. Isn't that just fuck flakes? When you know you could be doing better, but you really really just don't feel like it?
The worst is that I am always happy, so complaining feels like wanting aqua when you get turquois. Half myself, not up to my potential, and not sure what I want to focus on. So I'm not focusing at all.

Bed Bug Birthday Bash

2010-12-23T21:29:00.001-05:00

Preparing the house to be fumigated has been like moving, except worse because we had to pack everything up overnight, but before anything could go in bags it had to be put through the dryer for 45 minutes. I dryered 6 or 7 GIANT garbage bags of clothing/linen/towels. Why do we own so much stuff!? Then, on our porch there are another 16 bags of fabric, shoes, backpacks, more linen. Really. REALLY. Why do we own so much stuff? Its okay, we're inspired to purge after this. Winter Yard Sale anyone?

The bags have to stay outside on our deck for at least a week. 3 will be better. Wear as little clothes as possible. I don't even really want to be in the house. I have an active toddler who CANNOT crawl on the floor. oh my. oh my oh my oh my.
Its been interesting. I'm bummed, but not mad, because I don't get angry at situations I can't change, or have no control over.
There is an up side. We are forced to stay out of the house for 24 hours, so I have to spend the night at my sister Morgan's, and Charlotte is visiting from Halifax. Its a surprise party that asks the question: "Do I have to?!" Cake cake cake.

Good Things, Bad Things

2010-12-22T22:02:00.000-05:00

We just paid off all our credit card/line of credit debt. Over 4500$. Yesterday Greg gave me his paycheck, and I was going to the bank anyways, for many things. I had so many envelopes to juggle at the ATM. I left the bank a little confused, with a lot of extra cash to divvy up for our budget. I checked all my balances online (because I annoyingly have 3 banks). And then I was sure; no more minuses, and that felt good good good.
6 months ago. I was so overwhelmed by money and debt. We were spending more than we made, and I didn't know where it was going, or what we were buying. Money on cards, is not real to me, and so I don't keep track. By dividing our money out for all our expenses, and paying for things in cash, I started to learn how much we needed for everything, how much to put aside, and then slowly there's started to be more than enough. yay.

On an awful note. We think we may have bed bugs. After I write this I'm going to be heat blasting our linens and clothes and putting them into bags through the night. Happy Holidays? Happy Birthday. Yuck. :(

oh look a mummy and a babe:

24 24 24

2010-12-22T08:00:00.002-05:00

Some gifts I have gotten for my birthday, which is on Thursday, or more like tomorrow, but there has been no waiting involved. Just wonderful things for me to love. I think my plan is to go out for lunch with just my mum, to take her out, because its true that it is her birthday too. (Something she's been saying for years, but of course now I get it.)

From Greg, its not just a book, its a bible.

A chair and sheepskin from my mum. These are also for the purposes of sewing, and comfort of course.

From Bubzee; a haircut. For the purpose of looking suave while I am sewing. Of. Course.

Winter 21st

2010-12-21T20:54:00.001-05:00

Solstice Pizza:

Hope you had a good one.

De Courcelle

2010-12-15T22:33:00.002-05:00

There are a couple of things I want to make regular, weekly occurrences in Olive and I's adventuring. I go out of my neighbourhood to the library for books to read because the one in St-Henri is more of a biblioteque. Although, I've been thinking it would be nice to read kids books to Olive in French, since she doesn't understand the words much anyways, and it would give both her and I more frequent exposure to the other language of Montreal. Its only like 6 blocks from our house, so I'm keeping it in mind as a thing.to.do.when.I.am.going.crazy.inside.the.house.
I have also been meaning to get a card for the pool. Because swimming is awesome. I don't know why I haven't done it yet. This is a January plan.
French reading and swimming; new years adventures.

Oh, also I lost my phone today. I may have to compile a list of things that I drop in the snow this winter. So far we've got keys, and a cell, two pretty important things. I called rogers, and somehow they are sending me a new one for free. Not a new model, but really, will I care?
The answer is no.
Just like my keys, though, my phone was found. I am going to pick it up tomorrow and see if it still turns on after being weathered.

Drawer Olive

2010-12-15T22:07:00.000-05:00

Nappers

2010-12-13T10:12:00.000-05:00

I do not have this magical power. By the way, I have a different set of magical powers.

When did you choose to be straight?

2010-12-11T21:03:00.001-05:00

Ah ha ha ha. Smiles. I am loving this video. Reblogged from one of the blogs that I follow; Unreasonable Faith. I love anything that illuminates.

It had me thinking about myself. The point is made; many straight people go along with their lives, assuming gay people must choose to be that way, while never connecting that assumption to their own sexuality. Interestingly enough, I think I have thought about it. I probably would answer just like a lot of those folks "I think its part choice, part nature", but when asked when I chose to be straight I would not be befuddled. I would answer "well I assumed I was straight, then I realised maybe I wasn't, but now I choose to be".

Of course its not that simple. All I mean is that I choose to live a straight lifestyle.

I have always been very conscious of my sexuality. I am straight because I choose men who I am attracted to. I also choose how to react to and enact my sexuality. But, its clear to me that this is possibly unique to my person. I CHOOSE my sexual orientation, but maybe others don't. Actually its obvious that others dont, whether straight or gay.

Also maybe I wont always live in a way that I would so simply describe as straight.

This is so important to me. Even uncomfortable. I feel kinship with queer people. Probably more accurately solidarity. Regardless of how I wrangle in my sexuality, pinning it down for a moment. I would hate to live in a world where I couldn't make a choice, where I felt I had no choice.

11 month Olive

2010-12-10T13:24:00.003-05:00

11 month Olive, is a lot like 10 month Olive. We have successfully made a transition from Olive-goes-to-sleep-with-Mummy to Olive-goes-to-sleep-with-Daddy. In fact I now have trouble putting her to sleep when Daddy is late from work. She flops around the bed saying "diddie diddie diddie", drifts off, and then pops up to say "Diddie!". Like she's waiting for him. That's very nice.
3 teeth and one on its way.
I think she can walk, but doesn't know it yet. She will hold on to the coffee table with the smidgenest of tips of a finger, stepping out towards the couch, clearly standing on her own weight, but then I see her realise she's standing, her legs collapse, and she speeds across on knees and hands instead. Its silly because she can do this too. Climb up the couch and down. She got the backwards shimmy off down-pat.
Her thoughts on the cold: "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah". Really.funny.girl.

Us:

Rarely in the Same Place at the Same Time

2010-12-09T20:26:00.002-05:00

Ryan, Me, Cud, Bubzee, & Olive

Some of my Favourite people.

Today we went out for breakfast. Ryan found us. We Drank tea, and searched for a missing pen in the cold. Cold, cold cold. I picked 'elk' from Bubzees medicine cards. I am perseverance. I need to know when to go, and when to rest. I should spend more time with others of my same sex. Except in mating season. Also Olive got a new hat from bubz. She just whipped it up:

The button is one I've been saving. Its a wolf.

Olive is an 11 month old now.

Lost and Found

2010-12-08T20:05:00.001-05:00

Today I lost my keys.
Sigh.
Pretty early, after I got up, I went to the cafe around the corner for HOT CHOCOLATE. I hopped around the snowbanks. Enjoyed my cup, then when I came back to my door, fumbled around and around, went back and forth to Mariani's, kerfluffled, and gave up.
Then spent 6 hours at my neighbour Janine's. I felt like a refugee. Seriously. I was fed well, and had good company, but I just couldn't get my mind off of finding those keys. It brought me down. I can't really say why. Generally when I lose things, which I do often, I shrug and affirm that fretting wont bring it around any faster, or sharpen my eye to its location. But I couldn't shrug it off. I wanted my keys!
Finally, Bubzee came to save the day, with my spare set, and a suggestion of cookie baking. When we went to IGA for provisions we forgot the milk, so I hopped again around the corner to our dep, and there, (THERE?!) were my keys.
I must've dropped them in the snow passing by in the morning.
Oh why did I fret?! I should have known they would find me.

24

2010-12-07T16:33:00.000-05:00

Initially for my birthday, all I wanted was the time to go for a bike ride with Greg, and maybe a haircut. I haven't cut my hair in a while, and I'm growing a tradition in my head of birthday cuts for all, even though Greg, true to father form, protests me cutting Olive's hair when she turns one (we will see), and I am not so sure that I don't want to hold out longer and let my bangs shade the views. The ends are getting pretty nubbly I have to say.
But, if anyone wanted to spend money on me I want the winter session of yoga that we cannot afford here. One class per week. Or even better; a babysitter once a week so that I could actually attend classes, since they are all before Greg even gets home from work. blrrrg.

Work-Horse

2010-12-06T21:12:00.000-05:00

Greg's bike when he got home from work today. First big snow day. A doozie. I imagine his face looked like that too.

Yule

2010-12-06T21:07:00.001-05:00

I celebrate christmas out of tradition. It is what it is, what we all grew up with here. Wonderful and fun. I love it. Mostly though I love the season, and coincidentally or not it falls at the perfect time of year, the moment after a long stretch of darkness; I am waiting for the solstice. For light in minutes of minutes per day. Just as I count into it, I will count out. 15 days.

I'm confused about how to celebrate. I feel saturated with christmas traditions. CHRISTMAS, which in one way I love, but at the same time christmas feels phony to me. As I am not celebrating the birth of christ, and although we give, I think that presents aren't the prize. I feel slightly insulted by the idea of taking christian holidays such as christmas and easter, and secularizing them, as if I, not believing in god, all of a sudden don't have my own things to celebrate. We have to steal a holiday, REALLY? This makes me sad. Without the Christ aspect, isn't it just presents? When you are weighed with the materialism of this season, it can be a strain. I think it is for a lot of people. For those with an eye in god, there is something else to celebrate, but for those of us without...? I've struggled with this idea for a while. What am I celebrating? What can I call it? Christmas is wrong, and Holiday is politically correct. Barf.
I feel free of objects, and free of god, and since I've been able to just enjoy what there is; a time of year. The effect of the sun on a planet which spins on an axis. I can celebrate that. A Winter Solstice. Oh my. A hippie at heart.
I wait for the light.

Olive-no-pants

2010-12-04T20:42:00.002-05:00

Cousins, Siblings, Family-mash

2010-12-04T13:30:00.006-05:00

Yesterday, I picked up Nathan from my sisters. Just Nathan, for cousin hang-outs.

They have a 4 month difference, which was HUGE a couple of months ago, but now they are just a few steps, and teeth apart. They bump heads, and steal each other's toys, but I don't monitor their play as much as with Jacob, because they're on a level together and I think this is where they can start to learn how to 'work things out', a basic social concept that unfortunately some people never learn.
My cousin Pete is pretty much exactly a year younger than I am. We had a lot of adventures together, especially when our family moved from the city, to the suburbs, around the corner from each other, Peter was one of my only friends at first, and for a while. I don't have any real brothers, but I had Pete. I hope Olive will have Nathan and Jacob. For adventuring with.

It was a lot of fun. I haven't really felt like I've gotten to know Nathan. This year's been packed with meeting Olive, and sometimes he's very much overshadowed by Jacob's talking, he's mysterious. A real younger sibling. Accepting of the division of attention, 80/20, what he's always known; life has been +Jacob. Its interesting that you're shaped by your unavoidable 'placement' as a first, or second, only or last, one of many. Who would I be without being pressed in the middle of my Morgan-Charlotte sandwich?

Baby Goats

2010-12-03T08:00:00.002-05:00

She's so pleased with herself. She got up there on her own. She can't even walk.
Once when I was in the petting zoo in Victoria, in the goat pen, I saw a girl of 7 or 8 bend down to pick something up. In a flash one of the tiniest, and newest of the goat kids had hopped right up to stand on her back. Kids; they gotta get to the highest place.
There's also this:

Evidence.

Holiday

2010-12-02T20:57:00.000-05:00

.... I've been crafting.
I hate that word, craft, buuuuut that is no doubt what a feather-spooled-ornament is. Right. :/

Secret Hangout

2010-12-02T20:50:00.001-05:00

Well Hello Square One, Its So Nice to See You Again

2010-12-01T13:39:00.000-05:00

I am putting the potty on the shelf for a couple of days. Olive will not use it. I couldn't figure it out, but then when I pushed her tooth through the other day, it was instantly clarified. The last time she teethed it was the same; as if the potty scared her, she'd lift her arms and beg for me to pick her up. Now she can stand on her own, and so its just sit down, get up, sit down, get up, sit down, stand up, pee on the floor. I don't mind the peeing on the floor, as I can clean it up easily, but I think forcing the potty will just make her battle it more. I'm going to give it a break, and see how she feels about it next week.
Its seems there's a lot to say about pottying these days. Sometimes I get self-conscious that all I write about here is being a mom, because well there is a lot more to me than that. Unfortunately, I need that validated in words probably even more than anyone reading would care. I worry that I am boring. Maybe I am. Mommying IS what I am doing; pottying, nursing, communicating in bah pa pa pa pa pa pas. Its what I am interested in. Its not boring to me. Even though, at times I want to feel like not just a mom. It can be hard to remember that I am more than that. Also, that I WILL be more than that. I gotta be who I am when I am where I'm at.

Milksharing

2010-11-30T13:33:00.000-05:00

Olive and I spent the morning at the cafe down the street, where she enthusiastically played in a fort made from pillows, and I sipped tea and read the paper, where I came across this:
Montreal Gazette: Sharing breast milk dangerous, doctors say
Stories like this one, don't just make me mad, they break my heart.
The article is about a Montreal woman, Emma Kwasnica, who has started a breast-milk sharing program through Facebook. Where is there room for an informed unbiased opinion to be made with a headline such as that?
Why is it so silly, foolish, naive, to believe that we have the power and intelligence to make our own decisions concerning the source of our babies nourishment? "Doctors say" many things, doctors are taught many things including the idea that infants are born without bladder control, and that babies should never sleep with their parents. The former being completely untrue, and the latter potentially dangerous, as bed-sharing is actually SAFER, than sleeping in a crib.
What upsets me, is the prevalent idea that we are not smart enough, or wise enough to make our own decisions. We mustn't trust strangers, neighbours, fellow mothers. This would be foolish. There are trained professionals with knowledge who can make our choices for us.
I really value community. Especially in motherhood. If there's ever a time in your life when you need the help/support/sharing of other like minded people its when you first come home helpless with a little bundle of mush. The months that follow are finding your feet, and finding out who your true friends are, and making new ones. I've been to mum yoga, and La Leche League meetings. I talk to other mums in the cafe, or in the street. I read blogs. And everything I have learned about parenting comes out of community, the strength and self-awareness garnered from community. Olive and I would have survived without doctors, but not without Mothers. And that's why organisations like Eats On Feets need to exist. Breastfeeding can be a private personal thing between mother and baby, but also it can be about community; feeding our children. If I was asked, or needed I would breastfeed Amy's baby, or Janine's, or my sister Morgan's kids in a heartbeat, as I would a stranger's babe.

Here's Authentic Parents 'Official Press Release' for Eats On Feets with a more favourable bias.

3!

2010-11-28T21:23:00.000-05:00

The emergence of a new tooth always explains a whiny babe.
Its a top tooth, now she can do much chomping. I saw the swollen gum, I had to break it free with my finger, press down, push back the skin. Not a pleasant task, but I think we both felt immediate relief.

Attached to my leg.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

2010-11-27T20:39:00.000-05:00

::Mummy::

::Daddy::

::Baby::

::Leaves::

Snow!

2010-11-27T16:33:00.001-05:00

I am that person, that one, who loves the snow. I don't mind the winter much either. I like the bundling. The resting trees. Greg woke up yesterday with a "fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck." I can empathize with him. Its tough waking up to bike for 9 hours, you don't really need to add snow and ice and slippery roads, not just that day, but for the hundred days that follow, to make it hard work. But, I am not sympathetic. I love it. Don't get me wrong. I wake up on the grey side too, but still, I just dont want to dread a third of the year, a third of my life. This is a time and place where if your not happy (with the weather) you can pack up your complaining on go somewhere sunny. I'll put my boots on and be cozy, after this...

Knitting and a Baby

2010-11-25T14:36:00.000-05:00

My baby's been sleeping for hours! She's had a cough and a cold for weeks, and hasn't been able to sleep without waking herself up, and needing mum right there with her. I have forgotten what to do with myself while she sleeps. Sweep house? Oh look a knitting project!:

Its socks, if you can't tell. I have only ever knitted a short cowl before, Janine, our neighbour, is a knitting super-genius, and she is showing me how. I don't know my patience for knitting yet. I am enjoying it, but it may be a one project a year kind of hobby for me. We'll see.
I hear a baby...

Discipline Me

2010-11-24T17:55:00.001-05:00

This morning I yelled at Olive. It was the first time. There is a mirror hanging in my sewing room just low enough for her to grab, and bang against the wall. Its like 30 lbs so I'm worried about her pulling it down on her little 20 lbs self. I was getting dressed, going back and forth from my clothes to the mirror she was tapping, taking her hand away, saying "no no this will hurt you". And then I turned around one more time, heard it tap against the wall, and out came "OLIVE!". So loud, it didn't phase her, but I scared myself. I'd been wondering when this would happen, that I'd lose my temper. Lose it, unexpectedly, because if you have it, then you have patience and calm and the solution, you have discipline. Your own, not for your child.
I hadn't deluded myself into thinking I will never yell at my kids, but still, I don't like to lose my temper, at anyone. Knowing that I will have times where I've.just.had.enough! doesn't excuse any irrational behaviour. It just means I have to be aware of my feelings, and when I do yell, well then I have to sort through that and own up to it. I don't think yelling is discipline. I don't think scaring your children into obedience teaches them anything about life and how to navigate through it, or help Olive realise why the mirror might hurt her. I think discipline, is about being disciplined. All things in parenting are about modeling, being a great example. Its not always possible, but that is what I strive for.

With the Elements

2010-11-24T17:20:00.002-05:00

Yesterday morning. It was cold, but I can't deny adventure you know. Funny, because I HATE being wet. Seems she loves it though.

Where We're at With Poos and Pees

2010-11-23T20:43:00.001-05:00

When I started Elimination Communication with Olive a couple of months ago I was a little overwhelmed with the idea, so I made a very small and simple goal; bring Olive to the toilet when we wake in the morning, and when she gets up from a nap. Its gone great, better than I expected really, so I've set some new goals.
I'd say we were catching at least 1 pee a day, and her poos in the mornings, if she had one. I didn't really know where to go from there. I've read from other ECing bloggers about finding their intuition for when their little one had to go. Checking for noises and funny faces. I haven't really been able to find mine. I just don't know when she has to go, maybe I started too late, or I'm not paying enough attention, I've recently read that babies before 3 or 4 months give more obvious clues to their elimination but after that, if no one has noticed yet, they tend to stop signaling and just go inconspicuously. Maybe I need to give it more time. Regardless of my lack in 'the feeling' I came up with my own new plan to step up our potty learning; taking her to the toilet with me. I figure she's going to need to go at least as many times as I do in a day, probably more considering her liquid diet. Annnnnd, this has worked! We're catching about 3 pees a day. I am still having trouble with her rogue daytime pooing though.
Last week when Amy and I went to the library I checked for any good potty training books, but unfortunately couldn't find any of the ones I was looking for so I took out the only one that looked decent; Early Start Potty Training by Linda Sonna, figuring maybe I could gather some ideas. It focuses on potty training at all ages but puts a BIG emphasis on staring as soon as possible. I was surprised, I didn't think I would find an EC book in our library. The only thing I don't like about this book is that she suggests putting your baby onto a drinking/feeding schedule, if you cannot figure out when they are going, to regulate their eliminating. I'm of the school of thought that kids know when they are thirsty and hungry, and that their daily needs fluctuate, so schedules are not my style, I feed Olive when she's hungry.That's my priority.
When I read any parenting books I get very very crazy about that one subject the whole time I read it. When I read The No-Cry Sleep Solution all I could think about was naps, routines, and bedtime. Then I calm down right after. To deal with that I'm giving myself the week to obsess, digest new skills, and see what we can accomplish. Yesterday I started taking notes on when Olive nurses, has a wet diaper, pees in the potty etc. I always underestimate how far a little note taking can get me! Already I've noticed that Olive pees about every hour, which gives me a frame to work around.
It may seem like a lot of thought and time is going into this. It is. Really really its work. But I see the pay off. I really don't want to be fighting with a 3 year old about shit, literally. Olive is at a perfect age where I have patience for her mistakes because I don't expect results overnight and I haven't been washing soiled diapers for years, and she is receptive to learning anything, heck, she started waving goodbye this week! So its work yes, but its work now, or work later. Why not now?

Simple Toys

2010-11-19T22:07:00.001-05:00

Where My Head Is At

2010-11-15T00:25:00.000-05:00

I'll have a couple of weeks where Olive is so independent. I think to myself "wow she is so grown, look at her playing, entertaining herself". I'll get so used to it. I can do so much, savour the day. Sit and read, and watch her. Laundry feels like no problem at all. Ditto the dishes. Then of course will come the weeks where I just can't get anything done.
When I have resigned myself to her needs, I can cope with letting all other things slide and focusing on Olive. This is what I want to do; revel in days of Olive. But its is hard for me to go back and forth. I search for some kind of constant normal flow to my days. When she exerts her independence and I am left to entertain myself with floor sweeping, I want to be dedicated to finishing the floor, but that's not always possible. And most definitely frustrating. I get comfortable in those weeks when I can be on top of everything, and in weeks like the last, where things lay stubbornly out of place, I.am.tired.
I think I just haven't learned the shuffle of parenting a toddler. If there is one. Truly playing with her, and giving her quality attention, while still getting all the things I want done. I've given up on writing 'to do' lists for the time being, which is silly, I love writing lists for myself, because they just go unchecked. I am confident that I will find my stride, and that these are just some of those weeks. Of course there will be others. Back and forth, back and forth; it seems to be the 'normal' I am looking for.

Over-Alls

2010-11-12T22:19:00.001-05:00

These are NOT pictures of Olive ripping up our books. Which, she has been doing. Enthusiastically.

The Other Side of Pots and Pans

2010-11-09T08:00:00.002-05:00

I thought overnight about what I mentioned yesterday, how Olive is compelled in "undoing". She must take everything out of a box, or remove her sweater, take the food out of her mouth. In general she is busy making messes. Its not the mess that's the point. Its the undoing, which is the inverse of making. I am wondering if that process of deconstruction, that seems to be a must for her brain, is just a part in learning the opposite; how to create. I am imagining that soon the blocks will start to go up instead of tumbling down.

Nursing a 10 Month Old and A TEN MONTH OLD!

2010-11-08T19:58:00.004-05:00

Breastfeeding a newborn is one marvelous thing. They are completely dependent on that nourishment, both physically and through that unique comfort it provides them. Nurslings say "oh oh oh I am not sure about this place. I am hungry, and cold, and floppy, and HUNGRY. Oh what? A breast, my mamas heartbeat. Alright, this place is nice". It's a full time job.
Nursing Olive is now a choice. Not mine, hers. There are thought processes going on from sitting in a pile of toys on the carpet to crawling at my legs saying "mum mum mum mum". I am so happy to have made it to this place, that so many women may miss out on; I am nursing a toddler, and believe me its so so so DIFFERENT. I love it.
I have always been into nursing. Its pretty easy after the initial hump. No gear except a good bra. And its the best for Olive. So I am into it. But for us, I don't think it was *THE SPECIAL BOND CONNECTING US* like I hear from some breastfeeding mums. Olive always just ate because that's where it came from. Now she really eats anything, and with food, sometimes it goes in, and then the tongue comes out, with a yucky face, and whatever goes back on the floor. So I am describing her choices, which are now shaping our nursing relationship so much more. Some days she eats more food, some days she nurses every five minutes for comfort, and sometimes she nurses herself to sleep, sometimes not. Its all her choice. Which amazes me, because now it really feels like a bond. I am always there to offer her milk and she chooses mamas breast, mamas heartbeat.
I love THAT.

In other ten month olds news. We have two teeth. Two adorable teeth. Seriously. Plus whenever I'm asked how Olive is doing. I say "she is a trouble maker". A trouble making trouble maker. An adventurer. I'm not bothered by this at all. Its wonderful. She wants to explore every bookshelf, and every book on it. She likes all her toys OUT of their box, so she can sit in them, and examine their tastes one by one. She is busy undoing. Compelled to do so. Undoing my pots, undoing our shoes, undoing her laces. Chewing on floor finds. With her two tiny teeth.

Brain Fog

2010-11-04T22:27:00.002-04:00

I can totally feel myself turning inwards for the winter. Its a little disconcerting because I feel as if I have been disrupted. There are things I would like to get done still. Things that require my brain defrosted. I'm just not ready. I will trudge through it. In reality I love the cold weather, and I know a foggy brain is really a good excuse to just enjoy myself more often. Make snow angels.

Our pumpkins have retired to the backyard, where I will let them rot, and move on as fertilizer. I am going to spend winter dreaming our yard into a garden. Next year I hope to successfully grow more than swiss chard. I will be happy with swiss chard and maybe some not so accidental pumpkins to break up the annoying patch of gravel 'landscaped' in the middle of our yard.
With the season change I feel like its time for a little 'to do' list of things I'd like to work on/learn/accomplish this winter:

x Make a 'simple' garden plan for spring.
x Make more home cooked meals, and learn to make another staple from scratch.
x Running (3 times a week?)
x Organize our files
x Sew for Christmas

Nightime Parents

2010-11-02T15:09:00.001-04:00

Sleep parenting is one of the harder aspects of having a kid. Its always in flux. There are constants; Olive sleeps 12 hours at night, and most of the time she sleeps through the night, but not always. She's usually tired around 6:30 or 7. Hopefully she's asleep by 8. I can guarantee some whining. Healthy sleep habits don't come naturally (at least not ones overwhelmed by artificial light), I'm finding that sleep is learned, and we must be here to teach. Also, we must set a good example. Oh my.
There is a current aspect in this transitioning that's been a little bittersweet for me. The unexpected shift from me being her primary soother to Greg.
We co-sleep, so when she was new our rhythm was one, most of the time Olive and I would be wake together and sleep together. Naturally as I healed from labour and she grew, I required less sleep, less often, and she needed longer sleep. That's wonderful. I have a lot more free time now, I lot more freedom. Olive is now reaching a phase where nursing doesn't really put her to sleep anymore. She'll suckle and then look around, even in the dark. Move around the bed. She wants to chatter and sing before sleep. She requires more sophisticated soothing. It can take over an hour. I don't expect it to take less. I've thought about the expectations adults have for their children's sleeping habits; in bed, lights out, sleep. That scenario doesn't really work on me or most other adults I know, so I don't expect that form Olive. I know we all need the space and time to wind down. We've been trying to provide that. Admittedly though, I am not very patient. Which is where Greg has stepped in. He has a different way with Olive, more disciplined and yet gentle, he remains a lot more composed when she just.wont.go.to.sleep. So now its become his turn for bedtime. It feels good after months of being tied hip to hip with Olive, but at the same time it is difficult to give up Sleep as my duty. As a woman I think I love to burden myself with responsibility. I told myself 'she needs me', when in reality she needs both of us. She needs time with her Dad, a special bond in the few short hours they spend together. She needs someone else to rely on when her Mum has really gone out to lunch from all of this 'responsibility'.

Our Hallowe'en

2010-11-01T23:51:00.002-04:00

We had sooooo many people in our house yesterday, just to celebrate. I don't know what's come over me in the past years, I didn't used to really like Hallowe'en, but now I LOVE it. I realised its because Hallowe'en is a holiday where there is no pressure to be with your family, to observe the same traditions, there is no pressure to be miserable. There's no pressure at all. You can, if you like, shut the porch lights and pretend its not there. You can do whatever you like. You can sew your costume 3 weeks prior and eagerly wait for the day. Make-up on before breakfast.

We had 9 carved pumpkins. 12 people. Gave out treats, ate a very autumn supper together. Brought Olive and Sebastian around the block for their first trick or treats with Jake and Nathan. When everyone left and Olive went to sleep, Greg and I took advantage of having Pamela as a guest and went out to a potluck where we missed the food but were just in time for the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. So much fun, just the way a holiday should be.

Making Trouble Trouble Maker

2010-10-29T13:29:00.000-04:00

Eating cat food.

Sharing cat food.

Coming out from hiding.